My Blog.

  • A break.

    I'm on my second day of no social media. It's been weird, but strangely good. Like I've said to others, I'm not sure how social media affects me, but I'm starting to really think it does. 

    I feel like I have more time and more focus, already in two days of limiting my time on my phone. And, honestly, the days feel much longer. I've had more attention to give to the things that matter to me, instead of constantly having this weird background motivation to post or share. It is so werid how that becomes a constant pattern in our brain, and I personally want to break that, not just for me but to help teach my son to have a correct way of thinking when it comes to himself and the world around him.

    I find myself asking the questions "why should our lives be put on these pedastals"? We are all human, we are all living, and hopefully trying our best in life. For some of us, our successes look one way, and for some, another way. And I feel like social media is single-handedly conforming us all to pursue a fake similarity to one another. We see what other people have and want it. We question why we don't have what they have and why our lives don't look like theirs. 

    Especially in parenthood, we see other parents "excelling" in ways we don't. And maybe it's true in ways we don't see, but what people post IS WHAT THEY WANT US TO SEE. Even if it's a "real" post, or a vulnerable image.... there's still this motivation behind it for others to see what we have going on, but we still have time to grab our phones and take a picture and then post. It's becoming an odd phenomenon to me. I'm not even really against any of it, I'm truly trying to figure out it's place in my life. 

    I can see a mom post three images in a row of her kids watercoloring, exploring nature, or "helping" cook, and as a mom of a two year old, I should know better than to let those images make me feel less than if my life doesn't resemble that. It's so weird how it works in my brain. I know that those activities only last about 5 to 10 minutes, because that's how long they last in my house. These moments captured only really last the amount of time it takes to get a sweet picture, and then that mom is trying to figure out the next thing for her kid(s) to do, just like me. 

    I think the 'unposted' moments are what should really bring us togeher. The vulnerability and sincerity of how hard life can be sometimes. The struggle of marriage, or having kids. Or maybe when our jobs take a lot out of us. But also, the undocumented moments can be the most beautiful. It's when we're really, truly living. No weird motivations, no ego, just life- being in the moment. 

    And I think this is why we should have people in our lives, to see and experience us in day to day living and not just on the internet. I'm excited to take this time and to refocus. To spend my free time away from my phone and tackling some things I've been putting off. Or to just sit and be without the distraction of a screen. I find my time so undisciplined when I put distractions in front of what I truly want. It's going to hopefully be a very full time for me over the next little bit, and I can't wait to share more. 

  • A sunday afternoon.

    Man. Today was perfection; the weather just had me. I love to sit, think, and be. It took me a while to get to being okay with this concept. But when summer rolls around, I find myself on the porch quite a bit more; staring into the cloud filled sky as the heat roars around. I like to daydream of summers long ago where air conditioning was non-existent, and city scapes were a distant dream. Thinking of dusty roads finding their way from farm to farm, families taking care of their own as sweat poured down their brow. I like to dream of their nights, where whiskey and beer filled their hearts as they sat outside to catch the cool of the evening, taking a break from the heat that the day brought upon them.

    I find myself sinking deep within these daydreams; and certain tunes definitely don't hurt my fantastical tendencies. This song.... my goodness. This song by Gillian Welch leaves me floored & wanting more. It pulls a longing from my bones. To really taste this sweet life, maybe to live life a little more freely and lovingly. Songs like this have definitely inspired half of the reason behind my new series of work. I'm hoping to lock in to timeless treasures like music and pictures that can make you feel things you may have never imagined for yourself to feel or to think. Please sit and listen to this song; feel all the things.



    Sunday, July 25. 2017.



  • I really suck at blogs.

    I literally cannot handle how "into" something I get, and then completely space on that said thing. It must be the obsessive personality I've always contained within myself mixed with my millennialism. Whoopsie. So yeah, about this blog….

    I’ve been off of Facebook for over two years now and off of Instagram for two months. If I’m honest, I feel kind of like a loser at times. Hah! So sad. But so true. It’s the modern way of connecting and parts of me feels like a chump to peace out from it all, but another part of me longs for very real, tangible things, feelings, and relationships. I think I’m doing okay thus far, but know that I miss you and your pictures. And I know you miss pictures of my baby. I’m sorry.. I may throw you a bone and post one at the end of this. (If you’re lucky).

    It’s safe to say you really do have more free time when you’re not glued to a phone. I’m still learning how to function and what to do. I wish my free time lined up completely with the romanticized version I imagined for myself two months ago, you know, the version where I’m taking care of bidnasss. But instead the reality is me constantly fighting the urge to binge watch all of Netflix instead of painting. Why the struggle?!?

    Tonight was one of those nights, but I overcame, poured some more gin and painted… a little. Now I’m writing a blog. Sweet.

    I’m really trying to learn how to create for myself primarily; to be so excited and proud of my work and not care about showing it off immediately. I stopped taking on commissions a few months ago and I’ve really wanted to focus on creating pieces that take a good amount of time to complete. And really, I’m so pumped about it! I’m not patient and so this goal is kind of exciting to me. Because despite how much confidence I may lack as an artist, I do trust that if I put the time and care into some of my work, they will be significant. And that will touch me deeply to share with viewers.

    My new series is one I’ve searched for for a while. I’ve always wondered what “my thing” is as an artist and I think I’m finding it. I’ve found some old family photos and I’m trying to blow them up and capture the feelings that I see within each snapshot. I adore family albums, and especially these old family photos. There is something hidden and haunted, yet quite lovely I see within each photo. I’ve started these two pieces and as much as I want to rush through them and be finished, I know time is the answer. I’m trying to learn how to become a better painter and storyteller through this series. 

    These pieces are super rough and will roughly take 2-4 months of time to complete. I have no idea how many pieces will be in this series, but I'm hoping at least ten since they are large scale. These two are 5'x5' and 4'x5'. 

    I really am hoping to keep this blog space updated somewhat. Please feel free to check in when you have time. Thanks guys & cheers. 

    oh yeah.. here's Elliott baby. 

  • Love, Rainbows, & Unicorns. And then there's Me.

    Becoming a mother is the hardest thing I've ever done. (And dang... I'm only coming from like 5 months experience. Yikes!) I remember people stating before I got married, "Marriage is the toughest thing you'll go through." And duh, there are times we wanna pull our hair out because we drive each other so nuts. But I have to say, I guess I lucked out in marriage. We enjoy each other and try to work through things graciously. So marriage hasn't been the "toughest" thing to me. **Shout out to Eric DeLong for being patient, strong, and steadfast.**

    One of my biggest fears before having Elliott was that I wouldn't feel maternal. I never super, duper loved other kids (I mean there were the select few I cherished, but I was never a "kid person".) I wanted to have fun with them maybe, but I never experienced that deep seeded urge to care for kids. Meagan DeLong does not "take care of things". I've never had a servant's heart, or for that matter, humility. Definitely a bummer to not possess these traits but I got by. 

    So yes, greatest fear = not being maternal for my baby. Fast forward....... baby is finally here after hardest-physical-thing I've ever done (won't get into that).... and I have to be honest, my fear rang true. 

    I hate even thinking, let alone stating my fear was a true thing because I want so badly to put to rest others' possible fear of this. But maternal instincts and behavior is something I’m learning and adapting to instead of inheriting naturally. I gotta say, it’s a bummer, but it’s okay. I think in motherhood, other women set other women up for some successes, but a lot of the time, for “failure”. Well, more so, wrong expectations. Women will say, “Oh, don’t worry, your instincts will just kick in!” So I’m over here after giving birth, sitting tore up, tired, thinking this magical switch was going to flick on and I’d go into “mommy mode”…. just takin’ care of biznass. But reality = me sitting there tore up, tired, thinking “I’m not cut out for this.” Two wildly, different scenarios there. I was prepared for the first, not the latter. I was not ready/didn’t think I’d have to face my fear smack dab in the face: I’M NOT MATERNAL. 

    Well, shit.

    Despite utter chaos at the beginning of Elliott’s life, the first 6-8 weeks is now such a blur. However, what I do remember are all the tears. So much inner trembling that shook me to the core. I was so scared. I was so stressed. And almost every day I felt like I could not do this “mom thing”. I had sooooo many convos with Eric, endless texts to my mom and sister, and also to other mommy friends; I just didn’t want to feel alone. But I felt so isolated. 

    I want to PAUSE here:

    THIS IS THE TIME THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO NOT FEEL ISOLATED. BECOMING A MOM IS SUCH A NEW THING. SOMETHING THAT CAN’T COMARE TO ANYTHING ELSE. AND WE NEED OTHERS. SO WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS F*CK HORMONES AND F*CK HIGH EXPECTATIONS. 

    Ok. End of pause. 

    So it’s needless to say, but I for suuuuuuuuuuure struggled with baby blues and postpartum anxiety/depression. It is so taboo to admit to this as new mommy’s. And don’t say, “No it’s not.” It is. It’s taboo to state because hardly anyone talks about it. And this irritates me soooooooooo much. Women have to deal with a lot after giving birth to A HUMAN. From dealing with crazy hormones to accepting a crazy, new life. And if you’re one of the “lucky ones” (I say this in a salty manner) to have PPA/PPD you have to deal with feeling like a FFFFFFRRRREEEEEAAAAAAK around a lot of other people that can’t/won’t relate. 

    [So please, if you’ve experienced these things, try not to feel alone. Know that at least one lady (me) knows where you’re at and what you’re going through.]

    I’m sure if you’re like me in this sense, you’ve heard the “other stories.” Where as soon as baby’s and mommy’s eyes meet, it’s an instant world of love, rainbows, and unicorns…. and I’m over here soaked in jealousy. And for the record, I am so happy and joyful for women and men that experience this emotion and connection from the first second; it’s a beautiful thing. But know that a lot of people don’t experience it.) 

    Fast forward again, it’s been 6-8 weeks of hormonal misery, but so much love as well. It’s weird to have so much distress, but so much adoration at the same time. Elliott’s wonder and joy is so contagious. I honestly feel that these little babies help us get through the toughest times even though their little lives are also the cause of said times. And because they’re always growing and learning, so are we. I’ve learned more about myself the past five months than ever before. I’ve seen the darkest/ugliest side of me and IT IS NOT PRETTY. I have found I have a temper, a short fuse, and I’m really not very patient. These facts have made me see that I need to rest. I need to be gracious. And I HAVE TO BE flexible. 

    There are times in life where we THINK we’ll be faced with our true selves, but we get off easy and can go on our merry way. But what do we do when we can’t look away from the mirror? How do you face yourself, accept it as a part of you, but try to morph it, then move on? There is so much guilt in motherhood that sometimes it’s hard to find steadier footing. You make one decision then doubt, then make another decision… then doubt that. And then I’m stuck feeling like an actual crazy person all over again. GAHHHH! 

    So you see yourself in this mirror and don’t like what you see… but every day there is something new and different, and possibly stressful going on. It’s hard to get a grip. But I honestly just have to trust in the promise of endurance and perseverance. I mean, it’s not like you really have an option in motherhood, hah! But the promise of godliness and steadfast love is something I long for… completely. To be a better me. For my husband, my baby, those around me, and FOR ME. So rest, graciousness, and flexibility. Trying to work on these things every day for everyone in my household. Trying to work hard to semi-become someone I’m naturally not. Sounds kind of messed up, and many will think just be you. Well, me, is not always pretty. And those parts of me that cling to selfishness and chaos are due for a change towards servanthood and humility. 

    I guess feeling like a freakazoid will help refine me. To sit and be still, to be present, and to lay myself aside. Elliott is almost 6 months old! I can’t believe the time has flown by as quick as it has. I cherish the days, but I for sure have a love/hate relationship with this season of life.  I know being a mother will continue to challenge me in the deepest ways. And I really hope that I can learn to relax more and to be flexible with all the changes that will come our way. 

    Lord, may this fire refine me beautifully. Fingers crossed. 

  • Preggiez.

    Preggiez.

    I had to tell Eric that "preggerz" wasn't the most endearing title for me during this time, so he changed it to "preggiez" & I love it. Add an "ie" to the end of anything and it's automatically a lot cuter. Right?

    I have to say, I've been a very lucky woman to have had such a wonderful pregnancy with Elliott Danger. He's been the most wonderful baby in there; when I get nervous he isn't moving he will powerfully let me know he's doing good & having a partay inside of me. I love it. It is true... things get a lot more real & exciting once you can feel your child inside of you. I can't begin to count the number of hours I've just laid in bed over the last couple of months just waiting for him to move around, kick, or punch. 

    I still can't fathom what motherhood/parenthood will be like, but I'm so ecstatic! Y'all. I mean, I never thought I would be a mom. I never thought I'd understand that love for a child. But I'm already on cloud nine & in love with this little boy. I entered my thrid trimester yesterday, and the idea of 12 WEEKS LEFT is mind blowing!!!!!!!! We found out at 5 weeks that I was pregnant, and it seems like just yesterday that we couldn't stop laughing at the fact that we made a baby. Christmas was EXTRA good to us this past year :) 

    I haven't been the best AT ALL at this blog thing, but I've really been trying to just enjoy being pregnant & rest when I can. I'm so thankful that I've learned how to take care of myself more this past 9+ months. To be present, to relax, to enjoy the life around me. It's so easy to NOT be content. To be looking for more or for something else. And I can gladly say that Eric and I are happy to have chosen the more content path as of late. I'm really learning how to be more flexible in my nature. To be open to interruptions. To have joy & peace in simple ways. To invest in good relationships & using my time in a better way. There are still times when I feel guilty "I'm not doing enough" but I think that's such a big, dumb lie. I think it's a lie that convinces us to fill our time with more chaos and distraction. To give up on being content & at rest. I'm happy I have started to see how I want our life to be: full of love, joy, peace, challenges, endruance, simplicity, people & Jesus. And it doesn't matter where we are located or what job/career we neccessarily have... we can do the life we want to have, right now. 

    On another note, I really miss posting & seeing people's lives on Instagram. This may sound so surfacey to say, but it is true! Pictures & words are such a wonderful insight into people's worlds. Obviously there are those people who are representing themselves in more of a persona that they want you to see... with their creepy filters & what not, but there is always the "unfollow" button hahah. I love seeing what people have to say about their lives... in their thankfulness or in their turmoil. Life is so beautiful no matter what, and there is nothing wrong with showing that to others. So I'm thinking of returning fully to this social media, in a more disciplined way. We'll see! 

    Thankful for so many wonderful people who are in our life, who are here for us constantly. Loving us and our baby to be so well. "Stir up love & good works". mmmmm hmmmm. 

  • "LAZY" DAY.

    One other thing to know about me... I LOVE being off work. It's like the best thing to ever happen to me, every time it happens. 

    I mean, I know, who doesn't love a day off? I'm not the only one. But I truly just feel like life is perfect when I don't have to dedicate 8 hours of my day to something that doesn't click with me. Don't get me wrong, I think work is a beautiful thing, a Godly/scriptural thing. We should all work, and work heartily. But it's just hard when the thing you do for 30-40 hours a week isn't what fills us up. I think a lot of us are in this boat together. I mean how many of us count down the hours at work until we get to go home to do what we "actually want to do"? 

    Well, enough of my sad soap box. I loved being off yesterday and today. I wake up around 7:30 or 8 am. Go to the kitchen to get some breakfast, normally a bagel because I've NEVER AND WILL NEVER be off that bagel trend that happened in the late 90's. I start some hot water for my french press. And then as I wait my 4 minutes... I lounge with the cats and talk to them... maybe. Then I finish my "off day" breakfast routine and make my way to the couch to eat & sip my coffee as I lounge. I LOVE lounging. I've wanted to be a cat for the last 4 years because their lives seem a-ok to me. So on my days off, I try to fulfill this for at least an hour or two. 

    I've come to love the idea of sitting and being. I don't even have to be doing anything. Not reading. Not watching anything. Just being in a quiet home, looking out the window. I never thought I'd get to this point. The thought of being still about 9 months ago would have killed me. I didn't think it was possible. But I've found it is a choice. To sit. Be still. And to listen. And maybe add some prayer to the mix. I love it now. I don't choose it for myself every day. But even if it's two times a week... I feel simple. And good. 

    It also gives me a chance to look around my home and be thankful for where Eric and I have come to. I love our life, even if it's not exactly what and where I want it to be. It's us. And I'm down with that. Before we were married, we read a few books, and they mentioned the idea of having a "closed" home or an "open" home. Simply put, do you want a welcoming home where people can feel they can come and be with you and talk with you at any point, or do you want a home that is just for you? I don't think there's a right answer. It's just what works for you and your family. I always thought I'd want an OPEN home. Like duh... please come by!!!! But then I realized life is tiring and I love not wearing a bra or pants when I'm home. So kill me... NO ONE can come by now! AH! But then I'm sad, because I want people to know we are here for them. That we are willing to sacrifice a little couch/Netflix time to talk and pray with people. Even if it is to just hang out for like 5 minutes or so. I'm not a very flexible person (with my time) so I REALLY have to work on the idea of interruptions in my day. I feel thrown off when my schedule is interrupted and I HATE THIS! I want to be open and warm. Eric & I really want an open home, so my biggest sacrifice really it to start wearing a bra and pants more. Like, that's not going to really hurt me. :) 

    Today, my lovely friend Allie stopped by for a few minutes to bring me her last 2 cinnamon rolls she had posted on Instagram, as I so easily commented, "I want!" She drove all the way to my home and brought me these delicious things. And I LOVED not just the rolls, but the company. I love this. I love seeing people and getting to talk about our hearts & where we are. And again, it doesn't have to be a 2 hour thing. Maybe just 10 minutes. But it made my day. And I'm very thankful for a heart like Allie's. May my heart be morphed into a soft & loving one. 

    Enjoy all your days. But especially the one's you have off. Be with people that brighten you & challenge you. And it doesn't hurt to have baked goods around. 

  • Elimination.

    I have found myself amongst one word: extremist. I never thought this was me, and honestly it may be a bit dramatic. But hey, a girl can know what she wants, right? 

    Over the last few years I've been plagued with stress, busyness, overwhelmedness, and at times it honestly seems like pure chaos in my mind. I've eliminated jobs that were too much, I've said bye to some relationships that didn't add up, and I've cancelled a lot off the docket of my schedule. That's a lot of elimination. And some of it worked. But there are times I still feel like I haven't come to a place of peace & contentment. Like, WHY don't I feel more ease & comfort? Why can't I relax? I think I'm coming to the sound conclusion that so much of my dissatisfaction is my mind, my perspective. I am distracted heavily by myself, the lack of contentment in who I am and what I'm doing. And that's messed up, am I right??? Like what's worse than excepting the fact that maybe I'm bummed that I've gotten off track in who I want to be? Sounds so depressing. 

    But that doesn't have to be the end. That doesn't have to be it. Excepting where I am is just the beginning of all that can change and happen. And I fully expect this as a beautiful possibility in my life.

    As I left a job and eliminated a lot of tasks from my life, I kept asking myself what I really want. And I knew the word/the ideal I longed for: simplicity. I mean what blog is complete without that word? I believe we all yearn for simplicity... to some degree. Less work. Less crazy people in our life. Less bills. Less obligations. To some point we all want to sit in silence and just be. 

    I remembered a conversation that my husband and I had before we officially started dating... we asked each other what we wanted our life to look like when we get married "to someone" and have real responsibilities like jobs or kids, and I'll always remember his response. He said, "I want to go to work, enjoy it to some degree, work hard, come home and spend time with my family and God, and just have a simple life." I was like OH EM GEE, I want that! I really did. I wanted that life he described, but what do I do instead? I cause so much insanity hahahahaha. Whoopsie. I mean in the almost 4 years of being married I have brought so much complication in our life, the opposite of simple. I managed a hot-mess coffee shop for over 2 years, I start a business, I leave a business, I over schedule myself, and am super non-present for at least 3 years of our marriage. I was so gone and so distracted. And you know what? The life that Eric (my husband) described rang in my ear almost every day. No joke. I always thought, "Man, I still want that." But I think I started to believe it wasn't reallllllly possible. I believed instead, that stress and busyness is that name of the game. But I HATED the game. I was like HOW IS THIS LIFE??!?!?!?!?? So the extremist side of me took hold and said enough. Eliminate. And I finally said, "why not?" 

    So here I am, almost 6 months pass eliminating some huge stressers and I still feel like something isn't quite clicking in the life I desire and believe is possible to have. And to make a full circle, it's my mind. I haven't replenished it. I haven't renewed it. I've only eliminated and I have not filled myself back up with the good stuff I desire to have in my life. So this is that time.

    About a month ago I really started to think. What times in my life was I pretty content, like still bummed out at times cause I'm a human, but like when did I have more peace.... and just felt good? I immediately thought about early college. And NO it wasn't the nicest time that I refer back to because I partied a lot or had tons of friends.... I actually was super sick with mono and strep throat the whole first semester of college, but I still enjoyed the peace I found. I asked myself, why this time, what was so good? And the first answers that came to me: I had a Razor flip phone (no big deal) and I had no social media at all. I had an iPod and my Bible. I also had a tiny group of close friends. And I connected with my surroundings. I was involved in very little but cared a lot about the things I chose to be involved in. 

    THIS HIT ME!!!!!!! I mean this is what I crave. No more guilt and weird obligations. No silly distractions. No needlessness. Just life that is good & simple. And connecting. 

    I don't think social media is the devil. But to me it keeps me from being still. From being bored. Like, when did it become so awful to be bored? Social media has changed my perspective of myself and has skewed my mind. It has kept me disconnected. And it's not social media's fault, it's mine because I let it do these things to me. But I'm over it. You know, we found out we're having a baby. !!!!!!!!!! And it's insane and I think about this child coming into our world (mine and Eric's) and I want it to feel like I'm not distracted. I want this kid to know I'm present and with them and my husband. That we have a good and simple life. Not one made up of mirages and needlessness. But we have a life that we've worked hard to have and we truly get to enjoy it because we want to. I want my kid to know that simplicity is the name of the game. Not stress and distraction. 

    I want to teach myself and my kid how to do life well and how we want it. We don't have to be like others. We don't have to do what others are doing. And we definitely don't have to do what people expect of us. Freedom is a good word for this. A life that is free.

    Within the month I'll be deleting the rest of my social media, but this blog attached to my website seemed like a reasonable device to have to update those that want to see what's going on in our life. I don't plan on updating on a daily or weekly basis, but every now and then. 

    I'm looking forward to what I'll learn in this time. And I'll for sure share what I find in this time. Thanks for reading and much love.*